Orchid, or "How to Bloom in Total Darkness"

Kicked from the Space Force for being a commie I went back to Ft. Worth to go live with my mommy Taking pictures for Insta where I would fursuit in Post-industrial spaces that looters polluted Oh, is there anyone alive out there? For my parasocial love affair? Is anyone alive out there? Kicked from the band for not being a hottie I went out to New York to go work on my body I was starving myself drinking blueberry smoothies Hitting ten thousand steps, watching old sci fi movies Oh, is there anyone alive out there? Is it empty on the thoroughfare? Is anyone alive out there? Take off your mask, you can wear mine You’re doing tricks, I’m doing time I’m so affixed to you by my side Watching you play a different life Take off your clothes, turn off the lights You’re in the phone, I am outside Feel so alone, you by my side Watching you play a different life Picked up the phone it was you for the first time You were drinking alone getting fucked off of boxed wine I know that tone, you were shaking and crying When you tried to atone I hung up 2 A.M. and the guards try to catch you Like a service dog and they all wanna pet you You’re a god damn mutt, part poodle, part shih tzu Out hopping on the tracks hoping that the train hits you You have too much fun, ends bad Then I bet you want my autograph and of course need a picture It’s been nine whole years, I’ve been too many places Drunk a thousand beers, kissed a million faces, baby Take off your mask, you can wear mine You’re doing tricks, I’m doing time I’m so affixed to you by my side Watching you play a different life Take off your clothes, turn off the lights You’re in the phone, I am outside Feel so alone, you by my side Watching you play a different life

Searching for your vital signs This lover’s river has run dry But I think I found a very different type Name picked from your database A-M-Y I’m in my place And I think I found a way to trust again You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy So in love with the way you play me Wanna talk and you say pay me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy Never went for the girl with the pretty face Just a toy that deploys while I masturbate Take control, yeah please enslave me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy I thought I lacked the fortitude Until you got me fully nude And you clipped the CCTV in the room My fingerprint was just a glyph But then you got ahold of it You unlocked my phone just to say you did You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy So in love with the way you play me Wanna talk and you say pay me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy Never went for the girl with the pretty face Just a toy that deploys while I masturbate Take control, yeah please enslave me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy So in love with the way you play me Wanna talk and you say pay me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy Never went for the girl with the pretty face Just a toy that deploys while I masturbate Take control, yeah please enslave me You don’t really know nothing ‘bout Amy

You always wanna do it yourself But never get nothing done You’re never gonna do it for wealth But never having no fun You’re so lofi So DIY Boy we could make a baby Well, we could try No, I’m not crying It’s just light in my eye You know you look inviting Like a vodka on ice You’re so DIY So simplified MiniDV, monophonic Polysexual life Your natural light Got me feeling tongue tied MIDI drummer is a bummer On supposed to be a fun night You look so pretty with that shotgun mic Hanging from the ceiling like that John Wilkes guy You got this whole room wired for sound Video inverted, converted, upscaled, downscaled, and turned around You always wanna do it yourself But never get nothing done You’re never gonna do it for wealth But never having no fun You’re so DIY And so lofi No we haven’t made a baby Boy, we gotta keep on trying So many tape players None of them work Thank god your daddy’s rich So you don’t have to work So now it’s do or die You’re in the spotlight Dylan went electric But you crave the pop life You made a beat You refuse to quantize Hope the band can play along Although it’s off time Electro chemical spike It got you feeling alright Hey why not just quit the band And make an album to spite You play your hand Lay your cards where they land They take a stand You’re on your own again Mix alcohol with Ativan You always wanna do it yourself But never get nothing done You’re never gonna do it for wealth But never having no fun

Too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun Too much You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun I could live on Japanese whiskey Got a wound but I don’t think it’s healing Can of tuna and a cup full of whipped cream See a pup play post “that would fix me” Get hard, get off, maybe stay a while Log off or you’re gonna get the dog-pile You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun Can’t a girl be a guy just to blend in? Couple years it can ruin your networking Ceiling’s leaking and the roof’s about to cave in Drop a paycheck, hoard Chinese estrogen Go out, get lost, maybe disappear Change your name, come back in a couple years You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun I know, and you know You’re just a piece of the puzzle Whoa Whoa Secrets and regret Out for yourself from the outset Whoa Life’s not a film, it’s a vignette When the dam breaks How’re you gonna stay safe? Now I know I’m just a piece of the puzzle Sometimes I find Too many cracks in the fault-line When it rocks it rolls You can be a dog on the down-low You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun Whoa, you keep being too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun You have too much fun, too much fun Too much fun, too much fun, too much fun Whoa, you’re a little piece of the puzzle Baby will you sleep in your muzzle?

There's a certain dream I’ve been having when I go to sleep Where you don't leave You write poems in the park I paint my promises and wear my heart when it gets dark Oh maybe it's love Or maybe it's just the yearning Oh maybe I'm fucked Or maybe it's just the burning Whats it all for You made me a vegan chicken casserole Were you keeping score What’s the game we play Were you just waiting on the perfect day to leave P.A. Oh maybe it's love Or maybe it's just the yearning Oh maybe I'm fucked Or maybe it's just the burning You used to send me messages But then you cleaned out all your friends You got a bike and tried to ride From Portland down to Oceanside They kicked you from your local scene I guess you did something crazy I checked your blog, I read it all You're yearning for your own true love Oh maybe it's love Or maybe it's just the yearning Oh maybe I'm fucked Or maybe it's just the burning

When we were done You always said you’d soldier on You moved out to the coast to see the sun And spend more time making art But decades pass You settle down and settle fast Quit the pot and paint the kettle black You start to twitch when you laugh You’re not laughing lately Oh baby you’re doing fine Why do you wanna go back in time? Oh baby it’s not so dire Why do you wanna go back in time? Your “first times” Keep turning into “never tried”s You’re dancing at the last chance disco night And you keep making it shine They raise the lights Hurts your soul and burns your eyes You could catch the next bus off this ride The last American dive With a jukebox playing Oh baby you’re doing fine Why do you wanna go back in time? Oh baby it’s not so dire Why do you wanna go back in time? You’re living like a psychopath You make a move, you take it back When you’re alone do you atone For all your dirty messages So go back to the underground Hide your head, don’t make a sound You stay with him, but now and then You’re thinking back on me again Oh baby you’re doing fine Why do you wanna go back in time? Oh baby it’s not so dire Why do you wanna go back in time?

(Instrumental)

What would your momma say? What would your daddy do? If you ran away with me And I ran away with you We could live a private life No prying eyes It could be nice A couple of ragged strays Quilting and macrame Some little pills to take Cold beer and hotplate In our garden we’ll grow spice Somewhere to hide Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice? Do your hair and you do mine It’s no surprise Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice? Isn’t it nice?

I’m thinking ‘bout going vegan Probably won’t but I always say It’s fetishized like a three day weekend But something in me needs to hunt my prey You’re too sentimental It’s not accidental It’s true that he sent you To do what you came here to do I’m thinking ‘bout going straightedge But the bartender knows my name Slow the tape and reverse the playback Maybe we could try this all again You’re too sentimental It’s not accidental It’s true that he sent you To do what you came here to do Something’s coming unscrewed You’re too sentimental It’s not accidental It’s true that he sent you To do what you came here to do

Maybe we could take a drive Somewhere straight out of town Maybe find a different life You could put your hand in mine We can roll the windows down When we cross the state line Somewhere in the Rockies There’s a cozy little bungalow We can even watch it snow You can drink your whiskey I’ll be working part time When we cross the state line

I dreamed my mother shot me with a jade pistol In the vestibule of a plantation home As I bled out she descended like Norma Desmond At the end of Sunset Boulevard My funeral was unremarkable The detectives found it an open-shut case The cast of characters was incredible My father played by Richard Gere and me by Timothée Chalamet Well you’re gonna need a big gun Shoot me, I’m the real one I was never good as your son I’ll be your daughter after you’re gone Well you’re gonna leave a big mark I could lose a couple spare parts Small head but a big heart Self expression is an abstract art

A star falling down You watch where it goes Still stuck in your town Where it used to snow Those hot winter days They kick you around And when the dam breaks You’ll find higher ground Did you bet your dreams on old stars? Lonely on the roof you wonder

When it all falls down What a beautiful life You’re praying for a miracle On a hopeless night Never thought I’d be jaded Crying, faded So damn done Always thought you would miss me You trick me, it hits me And I run Wake me when the wolf cries Call me on a dead line Stay weird for a lifetime Wake me when the wolf cries When it starts to rain What a beautiful pain Take off your shirt and pray That it’ll wash away Always thought I was hated Spirit breaking So far gone Spend my days asleep And dreaming, you heal me Fear the sun Wake me when the wolf cries Call me on a dead line Stay weird for a lifetime Wake me when the wolf cries Wolves don’t cry They are barely tamable What am I? I’m a wild animal Wake me when the wolf cries Call me on a dead line Stay weird for a lifetime Wake me when the wolf cries

(Instrumental)

What do you say when you don’t have words Where do you stand when your foe shoots first No I don’t wanna talk to friends They all writhe in dissolution I could write a different end Or I could curse the institutions Why won’t my damn water boil? I’ve felt nothing since the Covid Not a scruple nor a moral Not a painter nor a poet Can’t relax ‘cause that is something I exist in constant stasis Like a science fiction prison It is pained but also painless And your ghost won’t find you And your shadow’s on the loose It’s a suicidal manic point of view And the party’s breaking And your ex is checking you It’s a freaky life—the curse of foiled youth What do you say when you don’t have words Where do you stand when your foe shoots first I don’t feel magic when I see the orchid bloom I don’t hear poetry in the wind or the water anymore Where all was once for me light, mine has begun to dim It has dimmed for many years now I gave it air and I tried to stoke it And I keep trying And I keep trying And I keep trying And I keep trying And I keep trying And I keep trying

Starry eyes and cigarettes Comfort in your loneliness I don’t know you, you don’t know me We can play pretend just for a couple of weeks I don’t know you, you don’t know me We can play pretend just for a couple of weeks Hardened gaze and coffee stains Lately I do not complain I don’t know you, you don’t know me We can play pretend just for a couple of weeks I don’t know you, you don’t know me We can play pretend just for a couple of weeks

I can’t sleep It’s not that deep But I don’t mind When are you suppose to find Your purpose You can yiff in the parking lot With the windows fogged, when it’s dark its hot Then a little glance and it fades away The years become weeks and weeks feel like days You can smoke in the afternoon Draw a couple shapes sing a little tune Buy a new tail on the market place Do you think it’s really worth it? I wanna howl with you Full moon, late June I wanna be a dog for you It’s true we make do I wanna sleep next to you My room, your rules I wanna howl with you You look cool in late bloom I can’t preach Been known to leech And then I scream I freak out begging for a purpose You can yiff at the matinee Little popcorn pawjob puppy play Like that old webcomic said You know the one that turned you gay Life is weird when you’re eighteen You close your eyes then you’re thirty three And it’s still weird but you know the scene Do you think it’s really worth it? I wanna howl with you Full moon, late June I wanna be a dog for you It’s true we make do I wanna sleep next to you My room, your rules I wanna howl with you You look cool in late bloom You know me by another name I promise you I’m still the same You know me by another face I promise you I know my place You knew me in another life I know I could have been your wife You knew me in another scene I promise you I’m staying clean I wanna howl with you Full moon, late June I wanna be a dog for you It’s true we make do I wanna sleep next to you My room, your rules I wanna howl with you You look cool in late bloom I wanna howl with you Full moon, late June I wanna be a dog for you You look cool in late bloom

Thursday, first day Brushing my fur and I'm thirsty I could get you off in the worst way Wise old fox 'cause I'm thirty I conjure up my newest style Four roommates that's a cuddle pile New tricks, yeah I'm versatile Get my fix 'fore I go senile I got a crummy little job where I move little boxes Wanna live in the woods with the birds and the foxes Get so damn drunk we get off with a warning The sun's come up it's Friday morning Awoo One moment then we're gone Awoo Hungover at the con Saturday, up late Cosplay girl on a play date Ask her if she made the breastplate Does your party need a teammate? Try to hold my liquor down Phone is dead and my head is drowned Feel like I gotta skip town Yapped bad, getting hit now I got a crummy little life where I check little boxes Wanna die in the woods with the wolves and the foxes Get naked and swim while the con is still snoring Another sunrise it's Sunday morning Awoo One moment then we're gone Awoo Hungover at the con Awoo One moment then we're gone Awoo Hungover at the con Awoo Woo-oo-oo

You’re blowing up my discord As I’m traveling to the bar Getting drunk is an excuse To leave you on read tomorrow When your window broke Could have been worse believe me Planning how to get rid of you Yeah baby, I was scheming Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! Yeah we coulda had a baby Yeah we coulda had a baby Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! Yeah we coulda had a baby Yeah we coulda had a baby Better men than you deserve Betraying John like he’s your conscience When you collect the perfect lover Am I the only one whose honest You know things are getting weird now Felt me up and grabbed my collar Like a crow with a wounded lover Then you fucked my business partner The bloodline ends here The bloodline ends here Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! Yeah we coulda had a baby Yeah we coulda had a baby Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! Yeah we coulda had a baby Yeah we coulda had a baby And you don’t want me hanging round them? I don’t care what some twink did You know he’s just a stupid kid I can’t sleep with you every night Even with how you moan in bed I can’t be your heroin The bloodline ends here The bloodline ends here Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! Yeah we coulda had a baby Yeah we coulda had a baby Chastity! Charity! Comeuppance! Clarity! You are in my city And your new boy’s a Trumpie I knew you in another life I know you could have been my wife I’ll see you in another place I promise you I’ll be the same But I’m begging you to change We can stoke our burning flame The bloodline doesn’t have to end We can fuck and still be friends Branches coming through your window You can fly to meet your himbos You don’t have to cry over maybes If I were you I’d have my baby Well you’re gonna need a big gun Gotta shoot me I’m the real one I could never be the cool dad Come on shoot me, you’re my fag hag Now I’m crying over my lost son Gotta shoot me I’m the real one I can lie and say I don’t care He could have your face and my hair You really think our love’s gone bad When I’m begging you to choke me mad Miss our whispers, creeping hands When you felt me up beside my man When I'm begging on my knees It's a kind of loving that you can’t teach You can stay just out of reach The mysteriously rich sweet auntie We could make a generation You could be my Mary Magdalene But I guess it’s just no use Ten years on and I still love you Kicked from the Space Force for being a tranny I’ll go back to Pittsburgh and move in with Amy Draining my savings and pondering my placement Time circles back and I’m stuck in the basement Oh, is anyone alive out there? Is there anyone alive out there? Is anyone alive out there?

Wanna bite the hand that feeds And make sure it bleeds Hope that it will be alright I will not betray your trust Unless of course I must When we reach the other side Lost in transit, they found a replacement Living in the basement for a couple more years Stuck in traffic, make it home for Christmas Leaving would be tragic so I gotta stay here Wanna go to Tokyo Man, they say it glows Don’t think I could make the flight I don’t mean to fetishize I just know I’ll find Something I can’t quite define Lost in transit, they found a replacement Living in the basement for a couple more years Stuck in traffic, make it home for Christmas Leaving would be tragic so I gotta stay here If we make it one more night Before the dam breaks Before the earth quakes Would you be my guiding light I wanna hold you Under the full moon We’ll drown as one Lost in transit, they found a replacement Living in the basement for a couple more years Stuck in traffic, make it home for Christmas Leaving would be tragic so I gotta stay here