Solemn Psalms

And to think I said I wouldn’t do this I didn’t think I had a voice in this sound But sometimes you just have to try something new And sometimes, that can be profound The weight of the world is heavy on the shoulders Of the one who didn’t ask to be born And so we send up solemn prayers To whoever’s around We don't ask to be found Just one thing - we ask for relief

Cognitive abilities Different than what you see “High-functioning” Fuck that concept, this is not a disease I’m coming alive Doing in spite of the world This is my eclipse

I wonder if this mountain Would be high enough to save me from this I wonder if I could throw myself off of it And let this place be the end of me Let it take me back I wish to see this through here I’ve dreamt of it My solace: against the rocks, breaking I tumble to the end of myself And on the way down, I see them Yet, my solace: everlasting In the end, I couldn’t see I couldn’t breathe But I was still alive For a short time more And on my mind The pain much worse if I hadn’t tried I was barely alive

Demand, supply, humanity denied Precious time sacrificed to pad the bottom line Building castles in the sand that no one cares to see Meaning measured only in profitability My eyes don’t see so clearly inside this sterile room Shaping raw material for masses to consume Manifest the design, to the letter, to the line Surrender all control and follow as I’m told Is this all there is? Is this all I’m to be? A resource to consume to fill a broken dream Extract, exploit, dispose, forget No future to imagine, a lifetime to regret In the crevices Of my diseased mind I feel it rising up into light Panic, need, to, leave Find me a place to hide Just for a little while And I can breathe in sanctuary I need to look back and only see Things that I did that I wanted to Things I made and breathed life into Running forwards and falling back Running forwards and falling back All progress is pre-determined So what are the chances All progress is pre-determined So what are the chances

I used to be in love I used to feel secure But now I have this art But now I have this art

In the darkness Wandering Seeking help Doesn’t seem to work They’re coming Or am I paranoid I want to see Clearly for the first time The way is not clear I’m hiding in fear But fear from what A meaningless prison Ghostly figures marching nowhere And a glimpse of it came forth I saw the beacon Yet I hit the shore How long will this last Feeling helpless, worthless For what it’s worth I know more now That I’ve tried That I’ve fought Am I getting there? The path is fraught with obstacles And I don’t have an axe The sky is covered by the clouds They seem to spite me A meaningless prison Ghostly figures marching nowhere A search and rescue Led by myself And will I find the source Of the anxiety

You never thought you’d feel this empty And on the way down you’re pulling us all with you So all ashore, so all ashore In the midst, in the quick, in the center of all of it The quiet, so loud In the midst, in the quick, in the falling out (so low) The quiet, so loud In the midst, in the quick, in the center of all of it I’m falling, I’m falling out There’s no way out There’s no way out The recipient of this message calls They want a refund on this toll It’s taken its toll On them, on us It’s taken its toll It’s driven into the bone And on and on it goes On just as foretold There’s no hallelujah in this sound There’s no safety in what’s been found This is reckoning, recording into history Kill that bird that brought this fell omen Wring its neck Beat it dead And don’t leave your windows open anymore I’m not calling the shots I’m just reporting the facts of what’s been seen Just relaying the message in between I’m a third party to this investment in pain There’s no way out There’s no way out

Two opposing forces tearing me apart Since I was young, since before it happened I was pulled apart at the seams of my heart Couldn’t figure which way was up So I wondered Years were spent asking myself how could I know If I don’t find out You were the one that showed me I wish that I didn’t have to say goodbye This was the first time I truly understood Life on the other side Thank you for everything 2021 - what have I become This mess isn’t sustainable at all I can’t even take care of myself, much less another The symptoms are adding up I can’t even feel myself anymore This can’t be the life I live Where I am alone for this Where I cannot give for you You were the one that showed me I wish that I didn’t have to say goodbye This was the first time I truly understood Life on the other side Thank you for everything Thank you for everything