Indoctrination

Voices disturb my sleep Voices I don’t recognise Voices so indistinct Voices I can’t identify Faces in the light Faces I don’t recognise Faces so indistinct Faces that will change my life I don’t recognise this place I don’t remember how I got here I don’t understand what’s happening I don’t know how to calm my fears

Every day I wake a little longer Every day I feel a little stronger But I still can't remember anything or anyone Or anywhere I've been, or anything I've done I just need time to heal Or so she tells me I just need time to rest Or so she says It's slow, but it's a process At least I'm making progress So she says Every day I sleep a little less Every day I take another step But still I cant remember no matter how I try I should be getting better but there's a hole in my mind I just need time to heal Or so she tells me I just need time to rest Or so she says It's slow, but it's a process At least I'm making progress So she says Who is she? This woman by my bed? She’s nursed me back to health (who am I to here?) But why does she care (who am I to here?) I just need time to heal Or so she tells me I just need time to rest Or so she says It's slow, but it's a process At least I'm making progress So she says

I sit attentively for my, education.. I listen to your enthusiastic oration Every lesson and each careful quotation Another step in my indoctrination Please save me Please make me Worthy of you Wash my brain make it clean Free me from who I have been Soothe my pain and let me rest Tell me that I’m truly blessed To find you I'm enthralled by your dedication I'm moved by your obvious elation Every word of your fine-tuned narration Another step in my indoctrination Please change me Please make me Worthy of you Wash my brain - make it clean Free me from who I have been Soothe my pain and let me rest Tell me that I'm truly blessed To find you Tell me things Tell me what to believe I'm listening I’m ready to receive I'm hanging on to your conversation I'm desperate to meet your expectations Actively seeking more integration I collaborate on my indoctrination Tell me… What do you wan’t from me? I’m ready To be what you want me to be

Kneel before the altar And clear your mind Breathe in, breathe out Leave your past behind Kneel before the altar And say the vow Dedicate yourself Your life begins now Kneel before the altar And bow your head Be still and silent And honour your debts Kneel before the altar And submit Prepare yourself Devote yourself; commit Welcome sister, join with us Sing with us Pray with us You’re one of us You’re one of us now

Through the day, acting normal Hiding what I feel inside Never letting my mask slip But don't get lost inside the lies But when I sleep I'll have the dream again It's been two weeks, every night the same A woman's face I’m drowning in her eyes A loving smile and all that it implies I’m haunted by this dream Is it just a dream or is it real? I can't work out how I should feel Haunted by a dream Every minute, every day Carefully guarding every thought Smothering my deepest feelings I hide and hope I won't get caught Every night seeing that same dream It weighs on my mind I wonder what it means Always the same the woman's always there Remembering a moment that we shared I’m haunted by this dream Is it just a dream or is it real? I can't work out how I should feel Haunted by a dream Who is she? I’m haunted by her face But still she brings me peace If they really cared They wouldn’t say it’s wrong I’m haunted by this dream Is it just a dream or is it real? I can't work out how I should feel Haunted by a dream

Returning to myself Finding my identity Remembering myself Finding a new clarity The mists are clearing And the light of day Spills in Faces in the night Faces I now recognise Faces I remember Faces from another life Reawakening I now recognise her face Reawakening My memories are returning New feelings are awakening And the dream keeps recurring

I feel disquiet Be still, my racing mind I need to rest Must put this distress behind I have to keep this hidden They can never see They told me that it's forbidden What is wrong with me? My secret past nobody would understand last? But can this last? How long can I hide? So much is lost that I'd dearly love to find Be still, my troubled mind How can it be? Why do I feel this way? What's happening to me? Can my own feelings betray? Bury them deep inside I can never show But can I really hide My truth; my soul? My secret past nobody would understand last? But can this last? How long can I hide? So much is lost that I'd dearly love to find Be still, my troubled mind Who is she? The woman I once was Can I find my way back Can I heal my heart? They tell me that this is wrong But it's who I am I need to hide my sin I'm not sure I can My secret past nobody would understand But can this last? How long can I hide? So much is lost that I'd dearly love to find Be still, my troubled mind

She came to me this morning She was nervous and afraid She gave me her confession I've never felt more betrayed It wasn't an accident, she said They planned to bring me here They drugged me and took me from my bed They hurt me just for being queer She said… It’s been eating me inside I've screamed and I have cried I've tried and I have tried To bury these thoughts But they won't be repressed I feel so distressed And so I confess The whole sordid plot We were sure that total immersion Could lead to total conversion More then denial or suppression A full rebirth with no regression And now we can see that we've saved you Look at yourself and know that it's true You're no longer the sinner you used to be We've broken you out and set you free I don't feel like Ive been saved I've been abused; I've been betrayed The torture they inflicted Has left me scarred and twisted Now I see through their duplicity I understand what they did to me It was all just a pretence They were never my friends

I've opened my eyes and now I can see The way these people have mistreated me Telling me who they'll allow me to be This place is so wrong Soon I will be gone I can't stay here in this suffocating place If they won't let me leave then I'll escape I long to see again my lover's face I need to be free There's no stopping me I’ve reached a decision I’ve found my mission I’m resolved to be free I’m resolved to be me I can't just conform To an ideal that was born From your bigotry I can't hide who I am I can't bury my own Whole identity I’ve reached a decision I’ve found my mission I’m resolved to be free I’m resolved to be me I can't be who I'm not I can't just forget Your hostility I cant hide who I love I'd put that far above Your fragility I’ve reached a decision I’ve found my mission I’m resolved to be free I’m resolved to be me

I've got to get away from here I can't stay in this place where I just can't be me I can't stay hidden when I'm longing to be seen I've got to get away from here I'm just a prisoner and I need to escape The way is narrow but it will never be straight I need to escape I don't belong But I'll play along Follow their rules Sing their song Don’t raise their suspicions Just stay strong Do no wrong Don't draw their attention It won't be long Until I can make my move It's time to get away from here I can't stay in this place where I just can't be me I need to escape to somewhere I can be free It's time to get away from here There's nothing here for me There's no one I can trust If they knew who I am They'd treat me with disgust I need to escape Make no sound Don't be loud Don't draw their attention Don't get found That isn't how this ends Stay concealed Don't be seen Just stay in the shadows Choose my time And run for the compound fence

i. Freedom I'm out on the road Alone and afraid I don't know where my home is I'm wandering and lost I'm feeling distraught I don't know where I’m going But… I'm finally free Free of their influence Free to be me Free from their control I've taken back my soul I'm scouring my memories Searching for clues My mind must hold the answer My love, where will I find you? I'm finally free Free of their influence Free to be me Free from their control I've taken back my soul I’m free but at a cost I have escaped but I am lost I’m free but alone I don’t know how to find my way home Where is she? I long to see her face To hold her in my arms And I don't care If they say it's wrong Where is she? The woman that I love? It must have been so long Does she still wait For me to return? ii. Reunited Welcome home, my wayward love At last, you're safe You're not alone You're here with me You're finally home At last I've found you I've been searching so long We're back together I’m back where I belong Reunited back together Reconnected after my exile Reacquainted it’s been forever Reunited and finally reconciled At last I'm with you After so long away I'm back with you now It’s where I want to stay Reunited back together Reconnected after my exile Reacquainted it’s been forever Reunited and finally reconciled iii. Finale I’m finally free I’ve found my way back home I’m free to be me Free from their control I’ve taken back my soul I’m finally free You cant change me No matter what you do This is who I am And I won't change Just to appease you You can't change me I was born this way This is who I am And I wont change I am here to stay